PMS
by YonderB
Summary: Temari suffers from PMS. Gaara suffers from Temari. Crack. Drabble fic.
1. It's time!

Gaara was the Kazekage. He was not scared of anything.

Not even death.

But, when Kankurou had barreled into his office, waving a pornographic calendar in his face screaming "_It's time! It's time!_", he _was_ scared. Not because of the lady mere inches from his nose that had breasts large enough you could use them for water-floats, but the week that had been circled with a bright red pen.

_This_ week.

This hellish week, that could be referred to, with just reasons, as Temari's 'time of the month'.

Gaara was _scared out of his wits_.

((TBC. Yay for PMS! This is totally crack, not to be taken seriously, and merely to be enjoyed! I wrote this for fun, and not really for other people to read, so...))


	2. I will eat you!

Gaara had decided that he'd pull a few all-nighters. Not because he enjoyed paperwork, oh, no. It was because his sister was currently in her '_I WILL __**EAT YOU**_' phase of her 'time of the month'.

Kankurou had gotten himself posted on the outskirts of the desert.

Gaara wasn't that lucky.

The Kazekage nearly had a heart-attack at the sight of his older sister standing in the doorway of his office at 1:42 am, almost like one of those old black and white movies, where the monster is standing there, just waiting to pounce on it's victim.

And pounce she did.

Temari threw herself across Gaara's desk, smearing ink on her skirt and all over the pretty oak wood and promptly started sobbing into his shoulder, her arms tight around his neck, while the younger one merely tried to make sure that his Ultimate Defense didn't kick in because of his near-state of cardiac-arrest.

"... T-there there..." squeaked the red-head, awkwardly patting his older sister on the shoulder.

"_I DON'T NEED YOUR SYMPATHY!_"

The kazekage then found himself sprawled across the floor as his sister stormed back out of the office with no explanation what-so-ever. Gaara tenderly touched a patch on the top of his head and flinched, staring at the guilty scroll that had been used to whack him over the head.

Kankurou was _very _lucky.

((TBC. I enjoy writing these greatly. Most of the cast of Naruto will probably melt into the drabbles, but, enjoy anyway!))


	3. Kamaitachi no jutsu!

Gaara poked his head into his house. She wasn't there.

The red-head gingerly pushed the door open to it's fullest, and hesitantly stepped into the house. Nothing. No explosions, no ear-shattering sobs, no screaming, no mind-scarring swearing.

_Nothing_.

Gaara was concerned.

"What's wrong, Kazekage-sama?" Gaara whipped around and stared at Baki, who was standing behind him in the doorway. He hadn't been there a second ago.

"Doesn't anyone _walk_ anymore?" hissed Gaara.

"Not when there are quicker ways, no, I don't think so." answered the older man simply, glancing over Gaara's shoulder, into the depths of the house.

"Hello, Temari," he stated.

Gaara promptly whipped around again, face showing more emotion one could expect from him; slightly widened eyes and a look akin to terror on his face.

_Temari wasn't there._

Squaring his shoulders, Gaara turned back to Baki, who was trying his best not to grin. "I'm going to--" started the red-head, raising a threatening finger.

"Temari-san!" Baki squeaked, staring over Gaara's shoulder.

Gaara wasn't going to fall for that.

"I'm going to exile you to the hidden village of grass, and i'll--"

"_GAARA, WHAT THE __**HELL**_ _ARE YOU DOING?! YOU __**WOKE ME UP!**_" All Baki saw of the Kazekage was a blur of red and black scramble past him and streak into the street, like the dogs of hell were after him.

Turning back to Temari, who was standing there, in nothing bit a loose black shirt and panties, her hair a frightful tangle atop her head, and a bleary gleam of madness in her eyes.

"_WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT, __**HUH?!**_" Temari screamed, her fan appearing out of nowhere for her to clutch in her hand, waving it at Baki threateningly.

Baki did the same as the Kazekage, and _bolted for his life_.

"_**KAMAITACHI NO JUTSU!!**_"

((TBC. Temari is so fun to write. My drabbles are getting longer. Arrrg.))


	4. The cooties!

Gaara sat on the rooftop of his home, his legs dangling over the rail that he remembered sitting on numerous times in his childhood, in no way tempted to enter the house beneath him.

"She's that bad, eh?"

Gaara raised a hand and waved it in a seemingly frivolous gesture as Kankurou came and sat beside him. Apparently, the older boy had come back from the outskirts of the desert.

"She hit me with a scroll," Gaara huffed, hand coming up to cup the still-aching bump on his head he received the night before last. It was only two days into Temari's 'time of the month', and he was wishing for a war, so he could get away from her.

"Aww, poor ickle _Gaa-chan!_" Kankurou cooed with a smirk.

A struggle ensued, the two boys nearly falling strait off the roof, before Kankurou did what he wanted to do mentally scarring the younger boy adequately for the moment, the younger boy flat on his back in the center of the balcony, Kankurou on top.

"_Mwah!_" Kankurou straitened after placing a kiss on his younger brother's wounded head, a wide smug grin on his face.

"The _cooties!_" Gaara wailed, clutching his head. "_THE __**COOTIES!**_"

"_GAARA-SAMA!_"

Both Gaara and Kankurou's head snapped to the balcony, where one of the Kazekage's –many– admirers was climbing up the side of the house, up to them. In a split-second, Gaara scrabbled to his feet and tore into the house, leaving a heart-broken sexually-active teenaged girl, and a bewildered, but amused older brother –who could also be sexually active, but, hell. who knows–.

Kankurou followed Gaara a few moments later, waving to the teary-eyed girl before she promptly disappeared from view as her grip on the balcony-railing slipped.

Ignoring the high-pitched shriek and deafening crash as he closed the door behind him, Kankurou merely shuffled down the stairs to the sitting-room, where Gaara sat.

"Why me?" The young red-head moaned, wiggling his bare feet, his shoes discarded by the TV. Kankurou went to answer, but he felt an aura of doom fall onto him, Gaara stiffening as he felt it too.

Temari stood in the doorway connected to the kitchen, wearing nothing but –god forbid– a bra and a pair of boxer-shorts. Gaara concentrated chakra to his feet in preparation for the escape he was about to put into action, and Kankurou felt all the air flee from his lungs, as though it knew he was going to be dead in a moment's time.

"KANKUROU, _I MISSED YOU!_"

Kankurou immediately keeled over backwards and smacked his head against the wooden coffee-table that was behind him, his older sister –practically-_naked_ older sister– clinging to his chest and sobbing into his shoulder.

Gaara bit his tongue to stop himself sniggering. Now someone _else_ was in the clutches of the most evil being that came into existence, not him.

Trying to ignore the pulsing pain in the back of his skull, Kankurou hesitantly patted Temari's shoulder. "I missed you too..." he grunted, hoping that the female on top of him was remotely sane.

"YOU DON'T _UNDERSTAND!_" wailed Temari, leaping to her knees, shaking Kankurou by the front of his shirt, causing the younger brother to smack the back of his head against the coffee-table repeatedly. "I'M SO LONELY IN HERE, AND THERE'S NOTHING TO DO-- AND-- AND-- _I __**MISSED**_ _YOU!!_"

With that, Temari flew to her feet and scampered –thundered, but her weight was a touchy subject among people who want to remain alive– up the stairs, bawling her eyes out, and tore into her room, slamming the door behind her, leaving a semi-concious Kankurou sprawled on the living-room floor, and Gaara trying desperately not to laugh –being stoic all the time is a very hard job–, clutching his stomach, and looking like he was about to have a hernia.

"I'm moving to _Konoha_ the next time it's Temari's 'time of the month'..." Kankurou grunted, tears in his eyes, clutching the back of his head, cursing whoever invented coffee-tables to a long and painful death by their older sister, if they had one.

A restrained, high-pitched squeak was the only recognition he got from Gaara.

((TBC. This is too long to be a drabble. COOTIES! THEY'RE CONTAGIOUS! Maybe I should just change the summary into 'crackfic' instead of 'drabblefic', since my drabbles are getting longer. blah. 'BLAH', I SAY!))


	5. It's a nice day, though!

It was the third day of Temari's PMS.

No one had been killed yet.

_Yet_.

The two younger brothers of Temari had figured out, very early, about what turned on that little button inside of her hormone-infested mind with the label '_commence mindless violence_'.

Others, either luckily, or _un_luckily, did not have the experiences of these boys, and thus, put themselves into mortal danger whenever they were in a forty-seven kilometer radius of the blonde female.

One thing that slammed down that little button in her mind immediately after it is stated, is, just simply; _stating the obvious_.

Gaara learnt this one very, _very_ quickly.

Unfortunately, the person who had decided to pop over and visit... didn't.

Gaara sat on one of the recliners in the sitting-room, a glass of crushed ice and a little bit of apple-juice cupped in his hands, cooling his fingers. Naruto sat on the recliner opposite him, one leg thrown over the side of it, and a glass of water in his hand.

The blonde boy babbled on about things that had been happening in Konoha, waving a hand in the air when it seemed to make whatever he was speaking about more important. He spoke of Konohamamu's apparent crush on Moegi –whoever those two were–, about some new pubs that were getting built for the Hokage, and was about to go on about someone called 'Erro Sennin' who, apparently, had asked the Hokage to marry him– when Temari walked in.

Temari stood in the doorway, looking, for all the world, like the undead. Her face was chalky-pale, she had dark shadows under her eyes, her hair was a tangled mess, and she seemed to be slouching more than usual.

Gaara promptly fixed his eyes on the floor and scooped some crushed ice into his mouth with a spoon.

Naruto, being the brainless ninja he was, looked up. "Hi, Temari," he chirped. "How are you?"

The boy had become a regular in Gaara's home. Somehow, the blonde would just walk in, plop himself down, and even take up residence in the spare room whenever it fitted him. Gaara never really told the blonde to bugger off, because, he owed everything to him. Naruto didn't seem to notice, and just took it for Gaara being nice.

"Shitty," answered Temari, skulking past the two boys and toward the kitchen.

The red-head crunched on the ice without a word.

Naruto nodded brightly. "Yeah, but, it's a nice day, though!"

Gaara choked.

A low sound, almost like an angry cat floated into Naruto's ears. The blonde blinked and looked around. Gaara only had an octopus, and Kyo the cat was outside. What was making that sound, then?

Slowly, a shadow fell over Naruto, and the young blonde boy looked up: to see Temari towering over him, the air around her, seeming to crackle and hiss.

The female blonde slowly raised a hand, before she slapped Naruto strait across the cheek, breaking the sound-barrior, and making the young boy fly across the room and slam into one of the bookcases of the opposite wall, loose pages fluttering down around him.

Turning and stomping off, Temari left Naruto to blink at her back with his mouth hanging open.

After a moment of hesitation, Gaara shuffled over, kneeling beside the blonde boy and looking at the large, bright red hand-mark sprawled across his left cheek. Deciding to be helpful for once, the red-head raised his glass of crushed ice and placed it's calming chill against Naruto's rapidly-going-purple cheek.

Naruto gaped openly at Gaara, since Temari had disappeared from the scene a while ago.

Gaara blinked at Naruto in questioning.

"_What did I do?_" Naruto squeaked tearfully.

((TBC. Thought I'd write another chapter for this. They're getting a bit too long for my taste, though. Argh. Anyway, a thing I loathe during my own PMS, is, of course, someone stating the obvious, or something I already know. So, I decided to write a drabble about it. This chapter has a small homage to my _Kazekage Misadventures_ drabblefic, just because I wanted to put it in there for fun. Please enjoy, and, no Narutos were harmed in the making of this drabble.))


End file.
